So last night I attended Nevermore for the first time. Its a local "old school" Goth night, not so much a club night, more like an event, given that its every few months or so. And old school, in the case, is not, say nothing but 80's stuff, its that its about the stuff that used to be played 5-10 years ago, say just before the whole EBM thing really kicked in.
So overall, it was bearable, if a little hot for my tastes (unusually warm sprint weather combined with the traditional bad club ventilation designed to get you to drink more), but it was nice to see less of the plastic kids than usual. I can honestly say that the worst part was the guest DJ, who, yes, used to DJ locally 5-10 years ago, but was one of those responsible for the EBM shit thing, and I cant say that I missed that. At all. Especially the damn shit he played. Seriously, just because KMFDM made it a sort of trademark of theirs to release remixes of their tunes and call it a release doesn't mean that it makes sense to do an entire set of that sort of crap. Also, you know why there's no such thing as "retro dance nights"? its because all that dancy stuff has a life expectancy of about 6 months after it was released. Bouncy stuff really doesn't ago well.
But I digress; while I have attended that sort of events before, and I have reminisced in private and confidence about that sort of thing, last night's vibe actually put something into perspective that had been perplexing me of late; I felt out of touch. I just couldn't blend in, feel the flow, just enjoy the party. There were so many little pointless nagging details that were distracting me that I couldn't just experience it.
I have mentioned in my previous post that I felt out of sync, that I was more of an observer than a participant. That has not changed; what has changed is my understanding of the ongoing process. I have been spending some time and effort recently, helping my girlfriend deal with far too many years of trouble, to reinvent herself, to build who she is.
And now, it just downed on me that its my turn, as this disconnection had taken place quite some time back, leading to a burnout and subsequent questionings and changes. The process of reinvention had been taking place all this time, but on a subconscious basis, bits and pieces at a time. There's been trials and errors, there are things that have been considered, experienced, left by the wayside, or stuffed on a shelf. There things that have been yet considered or attempted, due to all sort of little psychological hang-ups, perceived or not.
It is a pupa stage, where the transformation takes place, a sort of adolescence of awkwardness and misconceptions, of self-torture and delusion. But it is transformative, in that after all is said and done, something new and shiny and dynamic will emerge, to take to the sky anew and pursue more focused goals.
In the meantime, work is required; the body needs to reach its potential, the mind needs to remember its existential focus, the creative needs to remember what work means and the spiritual needs to remember what its all about.
And on the way, there will be blood. But I have shed mine; someone else needs to bleed now.